I got to give a talk this week for an event for World Breastfeeding week about my experiences with Leo. I was really nervous because I hadn't done any public speaking for about 5 years, and also it was so personal I didn't think I'd get through it without crying. (I didn't, and neither did anyone else there!) I was really honored they asked me to do this. It was great to share our story. Leo came with me, and just hung out in the Ergo on my chest while I was talking, looking cute.
I thought about it, and decided to post the talk, just in case it would encourage anyone. So here ya go:
I'm really happy to be able to speak about my experiences tonight, especially because at the beginning of our marriage we endured 4 years of infertility, two surgeries for stage 4 endometriosis at the age of 26, and 3 months of a menopause inducing drug. After all that, we had 3 kids in 3 1/2 years. So even though my latest breastfeeding experience didn't turn out like I'd hoped, I am very grateful to be here talking about my kids!
Eating healthy is very important to my husband and me. So when I finally got pregnant with my first child, I did some research and it was clear that breastfeeding was the best choice, the absolute perfect food for my baby. I was determined to get it right. When she was born, I called the lactation consultants into my room just about every time she ate, and they were so helpful. When we left the hospital two days later, we were pros. The only problem was she had a milk protein allergy, which was diagnosed at about 6 weeks. I wasn't able to consume any dairy at all for over a year, but other than that, we had a wonderful nursing relationship. I did try to pump one time, the first time she had solid food. I barely got any milk to mix with her rice cereal, and accidentally dumped too much cereal in the bowl. I was trying to pump directly into the bowl at the table when my husband walked into the kitchen. With a completely straight face he said, "Well, I guess we can't have people over anymore." She never had a bottle, and she weaned herself when she was about 20 months old, when I was 5 months pregnant with her brother. My second child was even easier, no food issues, no nursing issues whatsoever. My daughter completely ignored her brother for two weeks and the first thing she ever said to him was, "John Paul! Why are you drinking out of Mommy's belly button?!" He also never had a bottle. I got pregnant with my third child when he was 11 months old, and still nursing 4 or 5 times a day. We weren't expecting another baby so soon, but we were thrilled. I thought my son would wean himself like my daughter did, but soon I was 7 months pregnant he was 17 months old and still going strong, so my husband and I worked together and weaned him as gently as possible. He didn't like it, but afterwards he was fine, and I looked forward to nursing again when my next son was born, 6 weeks later.
When Leo was born, his cord was tightly wrapped around his neck, and he also had a true knot in his cord. My ob said it was "chilling" whenever she saw that. He came so fast that his face was completely bruised and his eyes were bloodshot. I only got to hold him for a minute before the nurses took him to examine him. My husband went over to see him and a few minutes later the nurse said, "Put your finger in his mouth. You feel that? He has a cleft palate."
I had NO idea what that meant. I didn't know whether he would be able to eat normally, whether he would need surgery in a week, a month, or a year, how it would affect his life. Other than that, he had no complications and was perfectly healthy, and beautiful. I fell in love with him immediately. I tried to breastfeed him in the delivery room, with the help of the nurses, with no success. We waited hours to get moved up to our room since so many babies were born that night. We got up there at 4am, and a lactation consultant came in to help us. It wasn't going so well. That is when I pumped for the first time. I had been up for 24 hours at that point and in labor for 18 1/2 hours, and was completely exhausted. I googled cleft palate and breastfeeding on my phone and there was no good news.
In the hospital I pumped every 2 hours and fed him colostrum with a syringe. We stayed one extra day because he was so sleepy and jaundiced and wouldn't wake up to eat. It was very stressful trying to get him to eat and we even asked our family and friends not to visit because we were so focused on feeding him. He was born at 8 lbs 12 oz but got down to 7 lbs 7 oz when we left the hospital. The first time I fed him with a bottle I was really sad. I was determined to give breastfeeding my best shot, even though it didn't seem like it was going to happen. We were released from the hospital and had to get his biliruben levels checked every day for 10 days, and he was on a bili blanket at home. At home, I would try to nurse him, then bottle feed him, then pump. This took about an hour and a half, and I did the whole thing every two hours. I was completely exhausted, not eating or drinking, and every single time I sat down to pump my 2 older kids would get into something they weren't supposed to. There was screaming, fighting, yelling, climbing, and crayon and pen on the walls. They watched way too much tv for the first two months. Every time I nursed him, I thought maybe that would be the last time. I was devastated. I avoided phone calls from friends and visitors so I didn't have to talk about it. I met with Kathy for the first time when Leo was about a week old. I was holding back tears in the waiting room and when she came out and asked me how I was doing, I lost it. I cried through our entire meeting. My supply was so low I was constantly afraid of not having enough. I did not want to give him formula. She was great, listened to all my concerns, came up with some great ideas for all my issues, for example she suggested I take fenugreek and she also said that maybe eating 3 meals a day would be a good idea! I met with her several more times, and we tried mouth and tongue exercises, the nipple shield, a supplemental nursing system, and different holds, everything we could. He just couldn't do it. I finally decided that with a 3 year old and 1 year old at home, I was not interested in using the SNS. It was too complicated and messy and I did not want to tape tubes on my body every time I fed him. So I finally decided to just pump and feed him with the bottle. I was so sad to give up breastfeeding, but I was determined that he would get nothing but breast milk.
Kathy gave me the best advice. She said that no matter how I fed him, make sure that I enjoyed him. I always kept that in my mind. And I did enjoy him! I held him constantly, kissed his soft black hair hundreds of times a day, and never left his side. I wanted to give him the absolute best start in life he could have. He was so little and sick and I was going to be the best mother I could be to him. I set some goals, first I had to go day by day, then week by week. He was my baby and I was going to do this for him. After I mourned the loss of the nursing relationship with him, I put my energy into pumping. It was SO. HARD. for the first few months. I pumped diligently every 3 hours, even though the night. Several times my supply dropped so low that I thought for sure I'd have to supplement with formula. I was so sad every single time I had to go downstairs to pump at night instead of just cuddling up and nursing my sweet baby. My husband got up and fed him every single night so I could go pump. I definitely could not have done this without him. I absolutely hated pumping and dreaded it every time for the first 3 months. I hated that I could not go anywhere for longer than 3 hours. I was tied to my house. It was so much extra work. I spent 2 hours pumping and probably 30 minutes handwashing pump parts and bottles every day. Around 3 months I hit the lowest point when I tried to feed him some of the frozen milk and he refused to eat it. I emailed Kathy and she said I had a higher concentration of an enzyme that makes the milk taste bad. "Bad" is not a strong enough word for how horrible it tasted. My husband was gone that night and I just sat and cried. My whole huge supply in the freezer was wasted. I had NO back up. He was eating everything I was producing.
Shortly after this I made a conscious decision to stop feeling sorry for myself, and started thinking of both the milk AND the sacrifice of pumping as a gift to him. I'd pray for him at night when I pumped, and was so happy knowing I was giving him the best start in life I possibly could. Also I was always aware in the back of my mind that I was so blessed even to HAVE him. Any number of things could have happened, especially with his cord. [Edited, too personal to post, sorry] I was absolutely devastated for them, and began to offer up my small suffering of not breastfeeding and having to pump as a prayer for them. My problems paled in comparison.
I'm not sure exactly when this happened, but we started getting into a groove. My kids calmed down when I was pumping. We have some pretty great pictures of my 2 year old son "pumping," and recently my daughter started sitting on the couch, feeding her baby a bottle, and then pretending to pump her outie belly button. I learned to use the hand pump so I wasn't always tied to the house. My supply jumped and I was producing more each day than he needed. I also learned that I could scald the milk before I froze it, and he would drink it just fine that way. That was a huge relief! When he was born, the pediatrician said to expect at least 1 ear infection a month. He had one when he was 7 weeks old but has not had one since. He never gets sick. The pediatrician raves about how healthy he is at each well baby check up. At 6 months he was 16 lbs, 15 oz! The doctor and nurse were both shocked that I was still pumping. I told them my next big goal was 12 months, and that I'd probably try to go 15-16 months to get him through his surgery.
This has definitely been a learning experience. I am so happy, grateful, relieved and proud that I've been able to keep this up. I fall more in love with my sweet baby every day. At the beginning I was worried that we wouldn't bond like I had with my other two. That has not been the case at all. I love feeding him his bottle now. He always holds my hands and stares at me when I feed him. I'm proud and happy whenever I give him a bottle of breast milk. I would do anything to protect him. I want to be his advocate and make sure he gets the best care possible. I'm very grateful for all the support I've received from friends and family, and for the opportunities I have already had to encourage others in similar situations. We still have a long road ahead of us but I'm confident we can handle it. And I would not trade this baby for anything in the world.
